Being a Wife - Who Expresses Her Feelings

After last week’s session we realised how important it is to express our feelings to our husbands rather than blow up at him when we feel hurt. One of the essential keys to avoiding unnecessary arguments is clear communication and more importantly the communication of our feelings. 

You see, sometimes what we feel is not actually proportionate to what our husband has communicated. Or equally, our husbands misunderstand how we feel. If he knew how we felt, he might respond differently. Feelings come from our heart and often men speak from their head. We need to become wives who know how to connect what’s in our heart with what is in his head. The ability to do this will prove to be a valuable skill to build a more peaceful marriage. 

More often than not it is true to say that our husbands don’t hate us, in actual fact they want to please us. Many times they feel suffocated because they perceive what we say to them as controlling. Men hate the feeling of being controlled! If we are wise women, we will learn to express how we feel rather than command a change in any given area. If our husbands understand how his actions affect us, he will be more willing to make adjustments. If he feels controlled or that change is demanded from him, he will sink his heals in and refuse. The result of this is usually an argument, isn’t it? 

The Bible gives us a tip on effective communication in Proverbs 15:1 where it says, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” If we can master the art of speaking with soft words then we can avoid a great deal of ugliness and anger in our marriage. Here is a very simple and practical example of how expressing our feelings can turn our husband from feeling attacked and withdrawing to rising up and wanting to be the hero.

Expressing your need

Wife: “You never wash the car anymore, why?”

Husband: “Everyone eats in the car and constantly messes it up, there is no point.”

Wife: “You need to wash the car, it is disgusting.”

In this example the wife has enough on her plate with managing the house, the kids schedule and her job. She feels it is reasonable to expect her husband to at least clean the car. For some reason he stopped cleaning the car and point blank refuses to do it anymore. In the illustration above the wife communicates her need and the husband interprets the need that is not being met as his failure. He is left feeling useless which disables him. She is left feeling frustrated which makes her grumpy and no fun to be around.

Expressing your feelings about the need

Wife: “I love it when you clean the car for us, it makes me feel important to you. I see you are not doing it anymore, which makes me feel like I am not important to you anymore. ”

Husband: “I didn’t know it made you feel that way, I will do my best to clean the car soon.”

In this conversation, which is similar to the first one, the wife expresses her needs without a hint of attacking the husband which causes him time rise up and be the hero.

The illustration is a simple one but the principle of expressing your feelings, using soft words rather than angry words, is effective for all of your needs. He might even express his needs and feelings which can also help you understand his perspective. The conversation could go as follows:

Wife: “I love it when you clean the car for us, it makes me feel important to you. I see you are not doing it anymore, which makes me feel like I am not important to you anymore. ”

Husband: “I didn’t know it made you feel that way, but I feel disrespected by our family as I have repeatedly asked that we don’t eat in the car to keep it clean and free from nasty smells, but no one has listened to me. I feel ignored and disrespected.”

It’s easier to see a simply solution now isn’t it. The family need to respect the husband and not eat in the car and the husband needs to take care of the car so that his wife can feel looked after by him.

John Maxwell, in his book ‘Winning with People’ , suggests that when we are facing confrontation we should outline the issue. He says, “When it’s your turn to speak and to make yourself understood, it’s important that you take a positive approach. Here’s what I suggest:

• Describe your perceptions. In the beginning, stay away from conclusions and/or statements about the other person’s motives. Just tell what you think you see, and describe the problem you think it’s causing.

• Tell how this makes you feel. If the other person’s actions make you angry or frustrated or sad, express it clearly and without accusation.

• Explain why this is important to you. Many times when a person finds out that something is a priority to you, that is enough to make him want to change.

Engaging in this process without emotional heat or bitterness is essential. You don’t have to turn off your emotions; you just need to make sure you don’t verbally assault the person you’re confronting.”

Eric and I have put this into practice and it has worked wonders in our marriage. I highly recommend Winning with People, especially this chapter on ‘The Confrontation Principle’.

Find out more about Being a Wife here or about hosting your own Girl's Night here.