I feel like it's been quite some time, in fact well over a year perhaps even two, since I have written anything meaningful to you. I have tried but words haven't come. Many posts have been fillers or conference news. I don't know what happened to me, I seemed to have come from a place and having life figured out to now not having a clue, from having much wisdom and revelation to share to having nothing. At first I gave myself some time to grieve to loss of our church, D7 Church. We met for the final time on Sunday 30th March 2014. Failure is hard, loss is difficult but when you have failed and lost in the things of God it seems harder. You feel as if you have let God down. One thing that no one tells you when you pastor a church is that it too, just like a business, can fail. If the books don't balance and your income is less than your expenses, you can fail. If you don't have a committed team to keep up with the work you can fail. If people just don't feel like coming on Sundays you fail. And on top of all that you blame yourself for not being good enough! Not praying enough, not hear God well enough, not working hard enough, not loving the people enough and just about everything else under the sun. Failing in ministry is horrible.
Worse than that, failing people is horrible. I look back and see how I could have led better, how I should have said things differently, how I could have shown more love and how I shouldn't have hurt people! Yes, I hurt people, many people and I even wonder if I hurt more people than I loved. I didn't mean to hurt them but the imperfect me did and said things wrong. I never wanted to be at the other end of someone's story of how the church hurt them, but I am. I am forever in someone's story now as the cause of the church hurting them.
So now, about 18 months on, I find myself a little lost. I seem to have come to a place of questioning. What does God want me to do? What is point of my life? I have built a church with my husband and failed. I have built a national business, Women's Business Club but it doesn't satisfy. I am too scared to give again like I used to because I know how much it hurts - so I keep everyone at a distance, a very safe distance.
I feel as though I have come full circle, back to the start, back to the foot of the cross. The best place to be I know but this time I come really broken. The first time I came to the foot of the cross I came arrogant, the second time I came as the prodigal who needed grace and now, for a third time I come back to the same place but this time empty handed and broken. Finally God has me right where He wants me, humbled and ready to do things His way.
Today I decided to share this journey with you, perhaps you will join me or perhaps you will just watch, but either way, I choose to be honest and vulnerable to anyone who wants to join me. Join me in finding what really matters to God, join me in learning to hear His voice and obeying, join me in putting busyness aside and making time with Him the number one priority and please join me in making many mistakes along the way.
It's time to get back to the one thing that truly matters. Please join me and keep in touch through the comments box below, I would really like to know that I am not alone in this.
PS I am also going to start going back through this blog, join me too - today I am reading my very first post and WOW it is to apt to this moment.