You are worth it
22 October... Dear Diary, Today I bought myself a gold necklace with a beautiful gold cross pendant! I am wearing it now as I write this and it feels foreign hanging around my neck, like it doesn’t belong on me. It doesn’t feel like the sort of thing I would wear at all, way too fancy. The fact that I bought it for myself, for no reason, and for no occasion, is totally and utterly just not something I’ve ever done. It all started yesterday, I had some time while waiting for a train so I did some window shopping to pass the time. I looked at all the beautiful jewellery that was for sale in the jewellery shop. It never crossed my mind to buy any of it; I was simply looking as usual. I realised that there were a few items that I really liked and so I wrote down the catalogue codes just in case someone ever asked me what I wanted for my birthday. Today however, something unusual happened. I had a strong feeling that I should buy this particular necklace for myself. Naturally I dismissed the thought at first as preposterous, why on earth would I buy a gold necklace for myself? The urge persisted, so I thought perhaps God was urging me – but why would He say that? Surely if He wanted to give it to me, He would find a way to give it to me through someone else?
Again the thought persisted and I felt strongly that I needed to see myself worthy of this gift. I needed to realise that I am special and I am worth gifts of gold and it’s OK to feel that I’m worth it and it’s OK to buy myself a gift! So I passed the jewellery shop again and had another look at the beautiful necklace. Eventually I asked the sales assistant if he wouldn’t mind taking it out so I could have a look at it. Naturally I pretended that I was buying it for someone else and asked if it could be returned if the person I was buying it for didn’t like it. My motivation was fear, I was scared I was making a mistake and being completely silly. After some deliberation, I bought the necklace. It was a bold step but the result was that I felt like a princess all the way on the train journey home. Just knowing that I had bought it and that it was in my bag waiting to be worn as soon as I got home, made me feel so very excited. When I arrived home I took another look at it and then put it on my neck. As I did this, it dawned on me... I was being refined like gold. It was a wonderful revelation but I was aware that the heat of the refining fire was going to be unpleasant! I also knew that it was going to be worth it in the end. Nervousness, mixed with excitement, decorated my thoughts as I considered the path that lay ahead of me.
Since that day I have come to understand a little bit more about how valuable I am. God has shown me that it’s OK to need love and attention. The problem was never my need for love and attention but how I got that love and attention. God gently showed me that He made me that way, it was a part of His perfect design and it was not something that I should try and remove from myself or shut off. My need to be loved and cherished was a good thing; in fact it was a God thing.
Frank Sinatra sung a beautiful song called ‘All The Way’ and God chose this song to speak to me about my need for attention. I was thrilled to know that it was alright for me to need love, that is was OK for me to want to be desired. I listened to the song over and over and over again until I really believed that I was worth loving. For four weeks, while at holiday at my mother’s home, God reprogrammed my mind with one simple Frank Sinatra song!
The message was strong and clear – I am worth it. Over and over again God kept telling me that I should stop trying to be good enough to be loved and that I should stop changing into who ever men wanted me to be. Have a read of these lyrics, even better if you can find the song have a good listen and let it soak deep into your heart. It’s a beautiful song, perhaps you can hear the voice of God in it too.
Frank Sinatra - All The Way
When somebody loves you
It's no good unless he loves you. all the way
Happy to be near you
When you need someone to cheer you. all the way
Taller than the tallest tree is,
That's how it's got to feel
Deeper than the deep blue sea is
That's how deep it goes if it's real
When somebody needs you
It's no good unless he needs you, all the way
Through the good or lean years
And for all the in-between years, come what may
Who knows where the road will lead us
Only a fool would say, but if you'll let me love you
It's for sure I'm gonna love you, all the way.
So, if you'll let me love you, it's for sure I'm gonna love you, all the way, all the way
Isn’t that such a beautiful song? The words make me want to melt and when I listen to Frank Sinatra sing it I am left breathless. Even more so when I remember that God wants me to know that He is going to love me ‘all the way’!
When you realise that God’s love is so much deeper and stronger and real than that, you are left to wonder how on earth we could possibly understand His immense love for us. I realise now that God was trying to tell me how much He loved me. At the time of my brokenness I could not receive this sort of love, but God in His tender mercy has truly loved me all the way. In order to capture the essence of what I wanted to say to you I played this song whilst writing and was completely overcome by the love of God.
Yes, He did want me to know my worth and to understand how it should feel when I was loved by a man. But He also wanted me to know His love. God, it appears, is a big soppy romantic!
He must be, why else would He have gone to so much trouble to tell me that He loves me? Why else would He have put up with all the hurt that I caused Him? Why else would He have gone to all the trouble of creating this beautiful universe for me to live in? Why else would He sacrifice His only son just so I can still be loved by Him even when I have sinned?
Jesus truly is the lover of my soul now, I have discovered a love that satisfies, a love that completes me, a love that doesn’t disappoint and a love that goes all the way.
This is what dictionary.com defines romantic as:
1. of, pertaining to, or of the nature of romance; characteristic or suggestive of the world of romance: a romantic adventure.
2. fanciful; impractical; unrealistic: romantic ideas.
3. imbued with or dominated by idealism, a desire for adventure, chivalry, etc.
4. characterized by a preoccupation with love or by the idealizing of love or one's beloved.
5. displaying or expressing love or strong affection.
6. ardent; passionate; fervent.
extravagant, exaggerated, wild, imaginative, fantastic.
Take a minute to meditate on these words. Yes they may be from the dictionary but they are also in the Bible, have a read of the book called Song of Solomon... you may be in for a surprise when you see how romantic Jesus really is!
The lie the enemy would have you believe is that God is pointing a finger at you. You may have done some seriously naughty stuff in your life, just like I did. Guilt might be controlling you and telling you that there is no way God would or could ever love you. You are too filthy, you are without hope. THESE ARE LIES from the pit of hell. I must tell you that you are one step away from being completely clean. You only have to do one thing to have your entire slate wiped clean.
Just say sorry!
It’s that simple.
Say “Sorry God for the life I have led. Sorry that I didn’t love You back the way You have ALWAYS loved me. Sorry that I don’t really know you but I am ready to begin a relationship with you right now. I am sorry for not believing that You sent Jesus to die for me. I found it all a bit farfetched, but I realise now that you did this so that I can come back to you and be loved by you.”
If you said sorry from your heart, in whatever words you chose to use, I can assure you that your slate has been wiped clean. No matter what you have done, you can be forgiven. No matter how far away you are from God you can get closer.
I am living proof.
More chapter snippets about how I found God's deep love for me will follow soon, find out more about the book here.