King's Daughters

It's quite ironic that this is my post title today, "Who Am I?" as I started this blog nine years ago with the title Knowing Who You Are because of my passion to help women find their identity. I write to you today from a completely different place. It's not one of not knowing who I am but trying to figure out what to do with who I am and the complexities that come with being a human being. I am not just one 'thing' but I am a combination of so many things. God made us that way for good but it can do quickly turn into a bad thing for so many of us. Have you heard the saying, "If the devil can’t get you to sin, he’ll keep you busy"? It's true, we get too busy and distracted from God's purposes for our life. I am guilty but want to get out of this trap! So my current dilemma is how to be a successful businesswoman and a great wife and mother? I love playing house, cleaning, cooking, gardening, sewing and all those lovely activities. I also

It is November, a year since my last post on this blog. The sun is shining and the birds chirping outside my bedroom window on this crisp autumn Monday morning. I'm chatting to God and remembering yesterday's church service with warmth and realise that I am looking forward to going to church again next Sunday. It occurs to me that I haven't felt this way in many years. I feel excited about going to church for the first time since we had our own church, D7 Church. I never dreamed the grief process would take so long. I never imagined that it could hurt so much and that my church life would become so complicated! It's a new day today. I feel a little flicker of something I used to feel. There is hope. But I'm taking it slowly and just enjoying going to church each Sunday. I still fear someone speaking to me and may seem very unfriendly when someone does. The thought of being asked to serve on a team still terrifies me. There is a long way to go in this healing p

I remember a time when I was heavily pregnant with Daniel who is now 10 year old! During that season our church was about an hour's drive away and we were very involved. Eric didn't have his driver's licence at the time and he played in the church band, so every Thursday I would drive him to church, sit through band practice and then drive him home. To make this journey work I would prepare Eric's dinner and give it to him to eat in the car as I picked him up from work on the way to church. On Sundays we would get to church very early to help set up and then rest in the car in-between the morning and evening services so that we could attend both. It was too far to drive home and come back again so we decided to stay in town and wait. Thursday's was our home group night which we attended each week and occasionally we would have to head over to church for a team meeting. This was our life. I may have mentioned this season previously but wanted to refresh your memory t

We went to church on Sunday. Eric, Daniel, Amy and I. Together as a family for the first time in ages. At first I felt nervous going back. I knew it was right and it was time. The season had changed and there was no reason for me to stay away any longer. My heart felt full, I was no longer tired and all my other reasons and excuses had faded away. To be honest, I actually missed church. My reasons for being nervous are too many to list starting with fear from all that had happened in the past all the way to fear of being hurt all over again and everything in between. Despite all that was going on inside of me emotionally something stronger was drawing me to church. Choosing a church wasn't an option, it had to be a Baptist church so that Eric could do his placement for his studies and it would continue being a Baptist church for the two remaining years of his studies. I was ok with that. I accepted that church would not be as exciting as it had once been both because I was fond o

Enough was enough I thought! Something had to give. The pressure was too much and I wanted my job and peace back. My prayer was specific and I wanted a clear and final answer before I put the whole thing behind me. Although I tried to go to church with Eric once I was still spending Sundays at home. Everything inside of me did not want to go to church. I knew that if I did go to church it should be to Eric's church. So the children and I stopped visiting other churches and committed to go to Eric's church and support him in his role. It was too difficult though and no matter how hard I tried I could not force myself to go to church. Sundays became a day where I prayed while pottering around in my garden and we became a TV church member of Life Church - they have a fantastic kids program each Sunday. Back to my prayer which went like this: "Dear Father God. I love to hear your voice! There is nothing more that I desire. Father, please tell me if you want me to do anything a

There is only one way to really and truly get God's attention and that is to either break his heart so badly that he turns away and cries or to fast! So I chose the latter as I have broken his heart far too many times in my life and I needed him nearer to me that every before. So I withheld food and all drinks except water from my flesh and cry out to God.  Day one of my fast consisted mainly of headaches and me pouring out my heart to God. Day two God spoke briefly: " Everything comes from God alone, everything lives by his power and everything is for His glory. " - Romans 11:36 TLB Bottom line: It's all for Him. So with this revelation I forced myself to see things differently. I tried and make it about him and not about me. What did he want? How could I make it about him? One Sunday evening I insisted that Eric and I seek God together. We spend the evening really reaching out to God together and I prayed until I felt like my eyeballs were going to pop out from the

Eric was convinced that I was depressed and wanted me to see the doctor again. I stood by my confession that I was healed of depression in October of last year and that what I was going through was NOT depression. It was a deep darkness but not depression - I knew the difference. I was unhappy. I was deeply miserable. I was not liking life. But I was not depressed. And so in my frustration I resorted to writing melancholic poetry. It didn't even rhyme which was an indicator of how deep the darkness was, I couldn't even be bothered to rhyme! Darkness surrounds me I even breath it in It feels heavy I can't find a way out "Sanctify yourself [i] ," you say "For tomorrow the Lord will do wonders among you." Hopelessness fills me. How did life get so bad. Hurt consumes me. There seems no escape. God help, please rescue me. I can't do this on my own. _________ [i] Joshua 3:5