18.10.15

Voices



Last Sunday my wonderful husband, Eric, preached his sermon entitled Voices.  It was such a powerful message so I decided to share it with you, sadly we don't have a recording but I will do my best to recount it.



Then Saul clothed David with his armor. He put a helmet of bronze on his head and clothed him with a coat of mail, and David strapped his sword over his armor. And he tried in vain to go, for he had not tested them. Then David said to Saul, “I cannot go with these, for I have not tested them.” So David put them off.  Then he took his staff in his hand and chose five smooth stones from the brook and put them in his shepherd's pouch. His sling was in his hand, and he approached the Philistine.
      And the Philistine moved forward and came near to David, with his shield bearer in front of him. And when the Philistine looked and saw David, he disdained him, for he was but a youth, ruddy and handsome in appearance. And the Philistine said to David, “Am I a dog, that you come to me with sticks?” And the Philistine cursed David by his gods. The Philistine said to David, “Come to me, and I will give your flesh to the birds of the air and to the beasts of the field.” Then David said to the Philistine, “You come to me with a sword and with a spear and with a javelin, but I come to you in the name of the LORD of hosts, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. This day the LORD will deliver you into my hand, and I will strike you down and cut off your head. And I will give the dead bodies of the host of the Philistines this day to the birds of the air and to the wild beasts of the earth,that all the earth may know that there is a God in Israel,  and that all this assembly may know that the LORD saves not with sword and spear. For the battle is the LORD's, and he will give you into our hand.”
      When the Philistine arose and came and drew near to meet David, David ran quickly toward the battle line to meet the Philistine. 
- 1 Samuel 17:38-48

What do you see in this passage?

Goliath spoke, David spoke and did not give him the opportunity to talk back. He acted before the lie could speak again. Goliath was obviously under the influence of the devil = threatening God’s people, not even mentioning(accidentally reminding them of!) God.

Why is this important?
  1. The way you are doing life right now will determine what voice you are listening to! This has to do with WHAT you do. 
  2. Your future, what is to come to your life, is the direct result of the voice you are listening too right now. This has to do with WHERE you will be at in life. 
  3. Mostly important right now you are the result/product of the voice you are listening to/following. This is to do with WHO you are.
What voice are you following?

Is the voice of fear leading you or the voice of the Spirit of God?

3 Voices
  1. Flesh. Self, ego, selfish behaviour. e.g. Miriam (see later), heart is full of deceit, pray to waste on desires.
  2. Devil.  Eve, Jesus temptation. The devil will put thoughts and distractions in our mind and if he cannot get us to sin he will make us busy. 
  3. God . My disciples, my sheep will hear my voice.
His voice will be the difference between : blessing/curse, life/death

Then David said to the Philistine, “You come to me with a sword and with a spear and with a javelin, but I come to you in the name of the Lord of hosts, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. This day the Lord will deliver you into my hand, and I will strike you down and cut off your head. And I will give the dead bodies of the host of the Philistines this day to the birds of the air and to the wild beasts of the earth, that all the earth may know that there is a God in Israel, and that all this assembly may know that the Lord saves not with sword and spear. For the battle is the Lord's, and he will give you into our hand.”
- 1 Samuel 17:45-47

THE VOICE OF GOD IS THE ONLY VOICE THAT WILL PREPARE AND ENABLE YOU TO
DEFEAT THE GIANTS IN YOUR LIFE!

His Voice:

Is creative and brings life
Gn. 1:3 And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light.

Powerful to accomplish. It accomplishes something
Is. 55:4 so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.

Brings correction
2 Tm 3:16 All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness,

Brings healing
Ex. 15:26 saying, “If you will diligently listen to the voice of the LORD your God, and do that which is right in his eyes, and give ear to his commandments and keep all his statutes, I will put none of the diseases on you that I put on the Egyptians, for I am the LORD , your healer.”

It’s alive and powerful (active)
Hb. 4:12 For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.



The thing that also occurred to me as Eric was preaching was that some of us have set up camp behind enemy lines.  We are getting about our ordinary, every day lives, having children, cooking food, playing, working and everything that comes with every day living. We have got so comfortable with defeat and Goliath's constant insults that we don't even fight. The battle hasn't been won yet because we have accepted the way things are. Goliath is alive and well, shouting obscenities over to us in our camp. We remain fearful and defeated. Yes we have Jesus, we don't need David and his smooth stones, we have Jesus. We are free yet we live as though 'Goliath' has power. His voice rings loud and clear in our ears. What are we going to do about it King's Daughters?  Are we going to continue taking it or will we get up and do something about it?

Easier said than done I know, I am trying, it is a battle still, even though Jesus already defeated Satan, we still have to fight.  Let's agree to stick together, cover each other, pray for each other and refuse to accept any voice accept the voice of God in our life.

Leave a comment below about the battle you would like support with and we will stand together.

Love

15.10.15

King's Daughters Conference 2015 - He Loves Me

King's Daughters Conference has made a step change! We have reached another level of quality and excellence and the reason for the massive change is because of our team.  God has brought together exceptional women from different churches and backgrounds to build King's Daughters.  We are all passionate about Jesus, passionate about King's Daughters and most importantly, passionate about you! Our prayers are for you not only for the day that you attend the conference but for every day leading up to it and after the conference, we will continue to pray for you.  Enjoy our conference highlights below.



13.10.15

He Loves Me

This year's conference theme is He Loves Me and I really struggled to write my talk around this subject.  The more I delved into the love of God the more I struggled to write about it. Many times as I sat down to write my talk I got distracted!  One such distraction was a song.  I couldn't articulate what God's love meant to me, the only way I could get it out was to write a song.  So today I thought I would share that song with you.  Only the words for now but soon we will have a good enough recording to share the whole things with you.

He Loves Me
God's love is... a place to go to
God's love is... a feeling to feel
God's love is... a truth you can trust in
God's love is... a peace to rest

God's love is... a memory to treasure
God's love is... a future to hope for
God's love is... a blanket to hide in
God's love is... a joy to shout about

He loves me... I don't know why
He loves me... It's hard to explain
He loves me... Now I know his love
I am free to live again

God's love is... a place to go to
God's love is... a feeling to feel
God's love is... a truth to trust in
God's love is... a peace to rest

God's love is... a memory to treasure
God's love is... a future to hope for
God's love is... a blanket to hide in
God's love is... a joy to shout about

He loves me... I don't know why
He loves me... It's hard to explain
He loves me... Now I know his love
I am free to live again

Yes Jesus loves me,
Yes Jesus loves me,
Yes Jesus loves me,
The Bible tells me so.


Here are Daniel and Amy singing the Yes Jesus Loves Me part at the end.  Aren't they so cute!

My super amazing son-in-law, Samuel, has some lovely new musical toys so between the two of us with some added amazing guitar work from my husband, we will get a rough demo ready for you all to enjoy :)

So watch this space and in the meantime meditate on the words and perhaps add a verse or two of your own - if you do share it with us in the comments box below.



11.10.15

Back to the start!

Hello King's Daughters,

I feel like it's been quite some time, in fact well over a year perhaps even two, since I have written anything meaningful to you. I have tried but words haven't come.  Many posts have been fillers or conference news.  I don't know what happened to me, I seemed to have come from a place and having life figured out to now not having a clue, from having much wisdom and revelation to share to having nothing.  At first I gave myself some time to grieve to loss of our church, D7 Church.  We met for the final time on Sunday 30th March 2014. Failure is hard, loss is difficult but when you have failed and lost in the things of God it seems harder. You feel as if you have let God down. One thing that no one tells you when you pastor a church is that it too, just like a business, can fail. If the books don't balance and your income is less than your expenses, you can fail. If you don't have a committed team to keep up with the work you can fail. If people just don't feel like coming on Sundays you fail.  And on top of all that you blame yourself for not being good enough!  Not praying enough, not hear God well enough, not working hard enough, not loving the people enough and just about everything else under the sun. Failing in ministry is horrible.

Worse than that, failing people is horrible. I look back and see how I could have led better, how I should have said things differently, how I could have shown more love and how I shouldn't have hurt people! Yes, I hurt people, many people and I even wonder if I hurt more people than I loved.  I didn't mean to hurt them but the imperfect me did and said things wrong.  I never wanted to be at the other end of someone's story of how the church hurt them, but I am. I am forever in someone's story now as the cause of the church hurting them.

So now, about 18 months on, I find myself a little lost. I seem to have come to a place of questioning. What does God want me to do?  What is point of my life? I have built a church with my husband and failed. I have built a national business, Women's Business Club but it doesn't satisfy. I am too scared to give again like I used to because I know how much it hurts - so I keep everyone at a distance, a very safe distance.

I feel as though I have come full circle, back to the start, back to the foot of the cross.  The best place to be I know but this time I come really broken.  The first time I came to the foot of the cross I came arrogant, the second time I came as the prodigal who needed grace and now, for a third time I come back to the same place but this time empty handed and broken. Finally God has me right where He wants me, humbled and ready to do things His way.

Today I decided to share this journey with you, perhaps you will join me or perhaps you will just watch, but either way, I choose to be honest and vulnerable to anyone who wants to join me. Join me in finding what really matters to God, join me in learning to hear His voice and obeying, join me in putting busyness aside and making time with Him the number one priority and please join me in making many mistakes along the way.

It's time to get back to the one thing that truly matters.  Please join me and keep in touch through the comments box below, I would really like to know that I am not alone in this.

Love


PS I am also going to start going back through this blog, join me too - today I am reading my very first post and WOW it is to apt to this moment.

3.10.15

Spiritual Adultery - One Thing is Needed.


My Dream
Recently I had a disturbing dream.  I tried to put it out of my head and forget about it but could not.  You see although it was not pleasant it did contain a powerful message.  I want to share this message with you today, I apologise in advance for the graphic nature of this dream but I honestly believe it is necessary. 
In my dream I was in bed with another man getting ready to have sex.  I was fully aware that I was married to my husband and that this man had a wife.   As we were becoming intimate I had a strong sense that there were people in the house who were also fully aware of what this man and I were doing and also that it was acceptable to them.  I was also thinking of my husband but it seemed that he too was aware of what was happening and it didn't bother him, it was the norm.  As we had sex I felt violated because I knew it wasn't right but because no one was objecting and because it almost seemed to be expected of me, I allowed it to continue.

I woke up from my dream and felt sick, I had a headache and the tail end of a cold that I had been struggling to shake but I also felt sick inside my soul and couldn't go back to sleep.  What a horrible dream.  Instantly I recognised what God was saying to me and this is what I would like to share with you today as I believe that I am not the only one who needs to find freedom in this area.

My Busyness
Since last year's King's Daughters Conference to today I have been on an intensely busy journey.  My life has spun out of control. I run this ministry, King's Daughters.  I run a business called Women's Business Club.  I was heavily involved in local politics until a few weeks ago. I have 4 children, two cats, a wonderful husband. A 4 bedroom home that needs cleaning all the time it seems. Somewhere in-between this I also wrote another book, 4 songs and climbed a mountain. I was also on anti-depressants until a few weeks ago because last year I got myself into a state of complete burnout.  I wonder why??

Are you impressed with all I’ve done?  Please don't be! I beg you do not look to me as an example of how to do life well. Hopefully by the end of this message you will see why. I used to look at people like me and admire then and want to be them – well I have achieved that.  Let's take a look at someone else who had a similar problem.  Martha.

Luke 10:38-42
Now it happened as they went that Jesus entered a certain village; and a certain woman named Martha welcomed Him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who also sat at Jesus’ feet and heard His word. But Martha was distracted with much serving, and she approached Him and said, “Lord, do You not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Therefore tell her to help me.”  And Jesus answered and said to her, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and troubled about many things. But one thing is needed, and Mary has chosen that good part, which will not be taken away from her.”

Who also sat at Jesus’ feet and heard His word
Did you notice that both Mary and Martha started by sitting at Jesus feet?
Both sisters started off at Jesus feet.  The term sitting at Jesus feet was not referring to their posture but their purpose.  It mean that they were studding with the Rabbi - something that women were not supposed to do in those days but this didn't seem to bother Jesus, Mary or Martha. But what happened was that one of them got distracted – I mean who was going to cook Jesus’ dinner?

Martha was distracted with much serving
Martha lost focus of what was really important and got really, really busy.

Lord, do You not care
Then Martha started feeling far from Jesus, that he didn’t care about her.
She was spending less time WITH HIM and doing so much more FOR HIM.  Jesus response was simple - One thing is needed!!

Back to Dream
Is that a good message?  Does it help?  Well I don't know about you but if I heard a message like this I would fully resonate with it, then feel guilty and then go home and try and change as many things as possible. After a few weeks I would fail and then be back to square one only feeling worse than ever before.  Let me share the rest of the story with you.  Come back with me to my horrible dream. There are three things I would like to take from it that will help us to get back to sitting at Jesus' feet:
1) You are being intimate with the wrong man (thing, priority)
2) You can't find a way out because it is socially acceptable (why won’t anyone say anything?)
3) You will bear fruit  that you don't want

1. Identify the 'man'.
You are being intimate with the wrong man

At first when I realise what God was saying I thought he was talking about my business.  Women's Business Club has taken over my life in many ways so I instantly assumed that this was the 'man' that God was referring to but upon some reflection I realised that it goes much deeper than this.  The 'man' God was trying to point out was BUSYNESS - just like Martha I had become distracted with much busyness.  It should have been obvious to me long ago.  I mean I had been on anti-depressant for a year due to burn out - that should instantly have set off alarm bells don't you think?   Perhaps God used the analogy of a man to show me how my busyness is adulterous!

You see God wants me to love him with all my heart, soul, mind and strength! (Mark 12:30)  Not with the scraps, the leftovers of my time.

We are His workmanship (Ephesians 2:10), fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14)  in his image (Genesis 1:27), called by name (Isaiah 43:1) with a future and a hope (Jeremiah 29:11),  inscribed on this palm of His hands (Isaiah 49:16), the apple of his eye (Psalm 17:8), bought with a price (1 Corinthians 6:20) and loved with an everlasting love (Jeremiah 31:3).
He loves me, He loves you.  Surely the Bible has made this clear.  But are we faithful to Him or adulterous? Identify the 'other man' in your life.  It is this serious.  We, the church, are his bride - we should remain faithful to him.

2. Identify the norm
You can't find a way out because it is socially acceptable

What are you doing that you know deep down inside is not OK but because no one is saying anything about it or perhaps are even encouraging you, you feel trapped and keep doing it?  As I have said these words it has already popped into your head and your heart.  You know it's wrong FOR YOU but you feel trapped because of  everyone else's expectations or lack thereof.  We tolerate too much these days and bring each other down!  What happened to God's standards - His laws - His ways.  When did we allow them to get so watered down that just about anything goes - don't worry God is a God of love and grace.  Yes his is but he didn't change the 10 commandments - they still stand! At the same time, what about his still small voice, do we still listen?

A small example from my own life is that wine o’clock became a things amongst us self employed ladies.  It was the time of day when we rewarded ourselves for a hard day’s work with a glass of wine.  It became a thing!  I started to realise that I had joined in with this fun end to a day.  At times I even used a glass of wine to push myself and squeeze more work out of my weary body and mind.  It dawned on me that this behaviour was unacceptable and that I didn’t want to participate in wine o’clock anymore. I mentioned it to a few people but I could tell I wasn’t taken seriously.  I knew deep down inside that it wasn’t the life style I was to live but because everyone was doing it and because I wasn’t getting drunk or technically sinning, it was very difficult to stop.  It was socially acceptable.  If I continued no one would frown upon it.  In fact it didn’t matter to anyone because it was my conviction not theirs. To be honest if it was a bar of chocolate every day at 5 it would have been the same – it wasn’t the wine that bothered me as much as the habit.  So I knew that for me it was not healthy and so I stopped.... most days.

There are many things we deem acceptable these days.  Some people watch movies with blatant sex in and don’t feel the least bit uncomfortable.  Other’s are happy with violence and swearing in movies and don’t mind if their children see and hear these things too.  It is social acceptable, everyone is doing it, but have you considered how much movies influence us and fill us with stuff?  Or what about books, do we will ourselves with romantic novels leaving our poor husbands at a loss as he can never, ever measure up to Mr Darcy or Christian Grey if you are that way inclined.  Trying to make fiction into our reality is very dangerous!

The point I am trying to make is that we need to identify what NORM we are using as an excuse for our unfaithfulness to our God.  Do you know that the Bible is full on instructions to us so that we can have an abundant life!  It’s not do this and don’t that or I will smite thee but rather I love you so much and if you want to lead a great life then remain in my arms, remain in me. (John 15:4)
He loves me, He loves you, He loves us!  We must separate ourselves - consecrate ourselves - and refrain from what everyone else is doing because it’s what best for us.

3. Identify the fruit
You will bear fruit that you don't want

Look ahead and decide for yourself what fruit will result of this intimacy with the wrong things. What will be born of it.  In my case busyness has resulted in complete and utter burnout. It has also robbed me of precious time with my children. It has robbed me of so many peaceful moment, fun adventures and life itself.  Most importantly it has robbed me of my relationship with God. To motivate myself to get back to Jesus feet and away from the distraction of busyness I MUST take an honest look what will be born into my life if I continue the way I am.

If you are intimate with food as I mentioned before the fruit that will result is poor health
If you are intimate with trashy movies or books the fruit that could result is poor relationships
If you are intimate with money the fruit that could result is any sort of evil
If you are intimate with negative thinking the fruit that could result is depression or anger

Identify the man, identify the norm and identify the fruit that you don’t want.

One thing
So we have covered a lot of possible dos and don’ts. It’s a lot to remember and if we try to tick all the boxes to get it right we will probably fail.  Even God doesn’t want us to leave here today carrying a massive burden to fix our lives. I may have gone deep and heavy but I don’t want you to leave with this burden but rather His burden which is easy and light (Matthew 11:30) There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1).  My aim is to help us know the truth which will set us free (John 8:32)

My prayer is that with the Holy Spirits help you would have identified some things in your relationship with God today that are hindering you from receiving His amazing love. Perhaps you are being intimate with something or someone other than God.  Perhaps your time or money is going to the wrong priority.  Perhaps you, like me, have been caught in the very sticky web of busyness and are struggling to get free.

The big question now is HOW? 
How do we put things right?
How do we get free?
How do we find the way forward?
The answer is simple, Jesus told it to Mary and Martha.

Choose one thing to love, one thing to put first, one thing to do first.

Consider how Mary worshipped Jesus in John 12:1-3, Martha served but Mary took a pound of very costly oil of spikenard, anointed the feet of Jesus, and wiped His feet with her hair. And the house was filled with the fragrance of the oil.

The house wasn't filled with Martha's fantastic cooking but with Mary's heartfelt worship.

We don’t have to remember everything we heard today, we only need to remember one thing and do one thing.  Because there is only one way.   Do we know him?

Matthew 7:21-23 says that we can do loads of fantastic things for him and in his name but if we don't KNOW him he will tell us to depart from him.
Let’s get back to our first love (Revelation 2:4)  Let’s take that first step in the right direction.  Let's reunite with the one who loves us, the one who desires to have complete intimacy with us.

Ephesians 5:25-32
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”  This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church.

God is showing us our earthly marriage relationships represent the relationship He wants to have with His church.  God loves his church soo much, he loves us but he loves us as his church . When will the church become pure and beautiful?  When will we realise that we are the church - right here, right now and He loves us! We are his beautiful bride.  It's a wonderfully romantic thing - that Jesus loves us that much.  He doesn't see us as dirty even though we are sinners, He doesn't see us as broken even though we are, He doesn't see us as unworthy, even though we are.  He sees us as worth giving up his life for.  He sees us as his bride - oh my goodness!

Now let’s focus on just ONE THING. Let’s get back to sitting at Jesus feet.  From that place everything will make sense, everything will fall into place.  It won’t be easy but it will be worth it!

29.8.15

#HeLovesMe

King's Daughters Conference 2015


Summary
The day plan is finalised and in a nutshell we will enjoy a line up of incredible worship by our band that have been practicing all year!  Powerful preaching by our usual team of ladies who I trust and can wholeheartedly recommend to you. Dance by Cirencester Dance Academy who wow us every year. Choir performance by Wyedean Gospel Choir who will be with us for the first time this year - very exciting. Our very own April Shipton will be singing for us while we enjoy our lovely lunch.  Business stands so you can enjoy a little shopping from our Christian business women. We have planned a full day just for you - the King's daughter!

See the full programme here

Set list 
For your convenience and worship pleasure we would like you to know the set list for this year's conference so you can come prepared to enter into God's presence without having to learn a bunch of new songs.  The 2015 #HeLovesMe set list is:
  • Alive - Hillsong
  • Here for you - Matt Redman
  • 10,000 Reasons - Matt Redman
  • You're Beautiful - Phil Wickham
  • Touch The Sky - Hillsong
  • The Reason - Angela De Souza

SURPRISE!
We have a wonderful surprise this year.  Our very own Karin Whittaker who owns a business called Karosa Jewellery, has designed a #HeLovesMe necklace especially for our conference this year. You can WIN this amazing piece of jewellery!



Simply tell us who you love in the comments below this image on our Facebook page below before Monday 7th September for your chance to win - and if you purchase your ticket for the #HeLovesMe Conference by the closing date you will also be entered into the competition automatically.

I can't wait to see you all - churches are booking groups of women in at a time - don't miss out!

Book your place now


Have a brilliant weekend!
Angela

3.8.15

Tracey's Struggle with OCD.

Ladies, I have decided to share an email with you that came through this week from a lovely lady, Tracey, who is struggling so much and needs us King's Daughters to support her. Her name has been changed to protect her identity and I share this with her permission. Please pray with me for her freedom and if you have anything to share please leave a comment for her in the box below. I have found over the years that the most difficult struggles are the ones we carry alone but it is in this isolation that the devil has his victory. Let's all come out with what we are going through and support each other so that we can be free indeed as we are promised in John 8:36. Here is the email:
"Let me introduce myself. My name is Tracey. I am 23 years old. I'm a Christian. I am going through a tough time as of late and your message on the King's Daughters YouTube about loving yourself really hit home because I don't love myself. I am fat and I feel useless! I just don't feel beautiful. I wanted to ask you something as I would like a Christian perspective on some issues/ questions I have. For a while now I have suffered from and anxiety disorder called OCD. It has had a massive impact on my life! It has stopped me living and enjoying things. I am literally afraid of everything. Because of this I second guess everything I do. My obsessive fear is that I will get sick, more so the act of physically being sick (it is extremely hard for me to even say the word vomit). I also fear that I may cause someone else especially my family to get sick or to be harmed. I also have a massive fear that I may die if I do simple things like drive (which I haven't been doing because of this fear) or go somewhere by myself. For example when I was in my early teens, a motorcyclist had died near our area and it was a Sunday and I had read my bible; in the end I had this absurd thought that they were all linked and that reading my bible on a Sunday would cause someone harm, so for a really really long time I didn't read my bible on a Sunday which lead to me reading it very rarely because it caused me so much fear and anxiety. I don't have that ritual now as they come and go and form into other things. But I have to many to mention that I feel I have to complete in order for the anxiety to go away and to make sure that what I fear never happens. The thing with OCD is that I feel really embarrassed about my thoughts as I know logically these things don't cause me to be sick or do harm yet I feel I need to do them regardless.
I have been seeing a psychologist (not a Christian one) for this for almost a year and have gotten some great tips that have helped me some what but I feel that I still cannot get over it. I have been exposing myself to some stuff I fear but just can't do all of it. I know that the only way is with God's help! But the problem is every time I pray I feel like I do it wrong or don't say the right things. Why does God/ Jesus feel so far away yet he is close to us? How do I heal of this OCD? I am no longer seeing my psychologist because we just moved from city to country town. I am for this move but this week I have been feeling really down and feeling anxious again. This anxiety can get really intense. 
The OCD subsided for a bit during my years at Uni although still there. I studied social work but feel as though I don't deserve to work in it because of the OCD. My thoughts are things like "what right do I have to help others?" So it's put me off finding work in that area. 
I love children so I thought maybe I should do childcare instead so I went to do a course in it this time last year but only lasted a week as my OCD came back with vengeance. I was having anxiety attacks, couldn't eat was always shivering with fear couldn't go out or anything. I'm still not free. I feel like people, if they know will look at me as a freak. I don't have a Christian role model that I can ask these things too, my parents are Christians but it's just hard for me to talk to them about this. For years I have asked God to take it away but nothing happens. Why? I then questioned why do I have it then? I am thankful though that it is just OCD and not a serious illness. I always have times that I question my salvation. I remember giving my life to Jesus when little and consistently throughout the years but because I can't remember a specific date I don't feel as though it's legit.
How do I get over feeling inadequate? I don't have a job, haven't had a proper job (only babysitting and relief work) in my life because of my OCD, I feel like an absolute failure. I don't want people to think in lazy cause I'm not, just fearful.
I admire my parents so much they seem to both have a really great understanding of the bible and a great relationship with Jesus and I just feel like I don't even though I try. Why is this? I just feel like I never will. I even feel less than others because I have never had a boyfriend. Lots of people comment on it and they are all getting married and having children which I so much want some time in life. Not even one person has taken interest in me. Not that I feel worthy of being loved the way I am anyway.
My childhood was a bit of a rocky one. My dad was an alcoholic but he is free from that now thanks to Jesus! I witnessed a lot of violence from him towards my mum. They did divorce but are now remarried as he realised what he had lost and he gave it all to Jesus. I guess anxiety has always been a part of my life and some OCD traits could have stemmed from parts of it. Cleaning and organising was a coping mechanism I used when I felt out of control when dad was drunk or angry. I feel guilty for feeling scared about the past because my dad is no longer that man. I guess I also see that my dad was set free from his alcoholism and yet I am still stuck with my OCD.
I have at times washed my hand from 80 to 100+ times a day. It is draining feeling that I need to wash then after touching everything. I can wash them until they are red raw and bleeding but somehow this self destructive behaviour is comforting or reassuring. I feel that I am a useless Christian because of the OCD and my feelings. I feel so stuck.
Some other questions I have are; How do I pray properly? Dear Jesus? Dear father? Dear god? I've hear people say it shouldn't be dear Jesus it should be; Father I come to you in the name of Jesus. Is this true?
How do I know Gods' will for my life? How do I hear God? Or know what he is saying to me? Why do I feel lonely? Why do I have this deep hurt that I can't explain or even cry about?
I just feel stuck in life! I would appreciate any advise that you have. Sorry about the length, it's something I've been bottling up way too long."