Being a Wife - Who Does Not Grow Cold

Filing for divorce under the terms of infidelity is no longer the leading reason for marital breakups in the UK, new research has found.  According to a study by accountancy firm Grant Thornton, who release an annual survey on divorce in the UK, ‘growing apart’ is now the most common reason cited for cause of divorce. The lack of emotional chemistry - or ‘falling out of love’ with their partner - has surpassed cheating as the leading cause of divorce in the country.

Since the survey began in 2003, infidelity was the number one cause of divorce, with 25% of cases citing that as the main reason for splitting up. In the most recent survey, 27% of respondents said 'falling out of love' was the primary cause of marriage breakdown, according to divorce lawyers.” 

This immediately got me thinking about the verse in the Bible that says that ‘because lawlessness will abound, the love of many will grow cold.” If we want to be a different calibre of wife, we need to understand that growing cold is a real threat in this day and age. We cannot accept this in our marriage. Jesus said, “By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.” This is the one thing that we have as Christians that the world doesn’t have and that is the ability to love in a different way. 

The world’s kind of love is based on feelings and selfishness which is why it is so easy to fall out of love! When you stop feeling the feelings you once had you give up and say that you have fallen out of love. Jesus said that the world would know that we are His by our love for one another, and this applies to our marriages too. What should set Christian marriages apart from those that are not Christian should be our love for one another. 

Infatuation and feelings come and go. True love is not a feeling but an act of your will. If you truly don’t want to grow cold, decide to love your husband not based on how you feel but based on your decision to love him. Ask God to give you His love for your husband, especially in the times when you find it difficult to love. 

What is love after all? Love is patient with your husband and is kind to him; love does not envy your husband; love does not parade itself and boast; love does not behave rudely to your husband, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil of him; and when he makes a mistake or falls into sin, love does not point a finger and rejoice in his failure, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things with him, believes all things for him, hopes all things for him, endures all things with him. Love never fails . 

If you get busy with true love, you won’t have time to grow cold. If you are busy with true love, not only will you have a great marriage but you will be a witness to those around you of God’s love. Where there is so little hope in the world today, choose to love your husband, not grow cold and offer hope to others.

Your husband is not perfect and never will be, he is a sinner just like you. Love him not because he deserves it, not because he loved you first but love him to glorify God. Loving your husband might be difficult, especially if you husband is struggling with sin that affects you, but above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. One day, you might just need your sins covered too, so don’t hold back in sowing the grace, mercy and love that you would hope to receive. Make a firm decision today that you will not grow cold.

Find out more about Being a Wife here or about hosting your own Girl's Night here. 

TOCP - Do Not Grow Weary

“He made it!” That was the remark I made to Eric when I read Ewen’s very first blog post. His post was rich with love for Jesus and gratitude for what He had done in his life. My heart swelled with pride. Ewen was turning eighteen and I felt as much pride for him as I did for my own children. 

I first met Ewen when he was fifteen years old in 2008. He dropped in to see what was happening at our Friday night youth group when we were meeting in the community centre. Clearly he was a trouble maker.  That night, I also noticed a display of deep cuts all over his arms.  The image is still vividly imprinted in my mind as I knew that those bleeding wounds on his arms represented the state of his heart. 

Many teenagers came to us with heart wrenching stories full of hurt and confusion. The first time I met Ewen, his manner and body language made a clear statement that he was not to be messed with. His foul language and rough exterior combined with the cigarettes, drugs and alcohol defined him.  Worst of all I could see that he really believed that this was his true self. After a few incidents at youth I began to dread his return, it was clear he was there to make trouble and assert himself as a ruffian.

The first time I caught a glimmer of hope was when I ran a session on identity and Ewen surprisingly participated. I spoke of the confusion that I saw the young people dealing with and delved into the fact that they didn't really know who they were. As I spoke I saw Ewen's eyes well up. He nodded continuously as I described what I saw in the lives of young people and then he spoke of his inner turmoil. I had to hold back my tears. Behind his rough exterior was a heart of gold suppressed by anger and confusion. 

That day changed my life, I began to pray for him and begged God for his salvation. It seemed impossible that someone so rough would soften enough to allow God in but when I prayed I placed the picture of his teary eyes in the forefront of my mind. On the 21st September 2008 God answered my prayer. It was our very first church service and Ewen was our very first salvation, our precious first fruit. Even now as I remember that special day I am overwhelmed by God's goodness and mercy.

Since then God has done amazing things in Ewen's life, too much to begin to write here. At school the teachers wrote him off. Almost daily he was in some sort of trouble and his grades were so bad that they didn't expect him to finish school. It wasn't long before the teachers were gobsmacked by the change in Ewen and more than that they were shocked by his improved grades. I guess you could imagine their reaction when he announced his plans to go to university! What the teachers had written off, God had declared a ‘future and a hope ’ to. Ewen has since achieved the grades he needed to get into the school he wanted. No teachers’ words define him now. The word of God is the ‘light to his path ’. Ewen knows who he is and that he is called to do significant damage to the darkness that nearly killed him. His testimony is powerful and his influence in this nation will be too.

Yes, God did change Ewen's life, but more than that, Ewen has changed mine. I love him as my own son and am a very proud mama. To add a cherry to the top of the cake, Ewen wrote the most beautiful song on our debut album which I had the honour of singing with Lorah-Kelly. It’s a powerful song written by a truly grateful heart.

And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.  - Galatians 6:9

But as for you, brethren, do not grow weary in doing good. - 2 Thessalonians 3:13

That day, his eighteenth birthday, was one of those special days, the day where I reaped a rich reward. I confess I did grow weary; perhaps I did lose heart a bit too. There were many sleepless nights praying Ewen through rough patches during college. At times I wanted to give up but I couldn’t, there was always that ‘what if?’ What if he was only one day away from victory? What if he really needed our love and support for just a little longer to make it? What if something really bad happened to him because we lost heart? What if he was intended to be the prime minister of England and we let him slip away? The ‘what ifs’ lined up and suddenly the small sacrifice of prayer didn’t seem such a big deal after all. So we prayed, we loved him and every now and then we had a few awkward chats too. 

The reward for me that day was to see him celebrate his eighteenth birthday knowing deep down inside of my heart that he had made it. He is safe. He pulled through the dark times and I am utterly convinced that he is going to be all that God wants him to be! I don’t think the verses about growing weary meant that we should not grow weary. Growing weary will happen. If we are working hard, there is no escaping weariness. No, for me, the not growing weary is of doing good. You will get tired but don’t stop. Don’t stop doing good even though you are tired. Keep doing good despite the weariness. Here are some tips for dealing with the weariness that will come from time to time:

To find our our tips, get your copy of The Tale of a Church Planter here or find out more about the book here.

Nature's Way - Toothpaste

Toothpaste manufacturers would like us to believe that the only proper way to care for our teeth is with expensive, highly flavoured toothpastes that come in non-biodegradable tubes. What they don’t tell you is that there are risks with using toothpaste, especially for children if they have fluoride.

Fluoride is poisonous! Although it could be helpful to our teeth in low dosage, chronic exposure to fluoride in large amounts interferes with bone formation. In this way, the greatest examples of fluoride poisoning arise from fluoride-rich ground water. In advanced countries, most cases of fluoride exposure are due to the ingestion of dental fluoride products.

Although exposure to these products does not often cause toxicity, in one study thirty percent of children exposed to fluoride dental products developed mild symptoms .

Symptoms of fluoride poisoning can include abdominal pain, diarrhoea, hyper salivation, nausea and vomiting. Neurological symptoms include headache, muscle weakness, hyperactive reflexes and muscular spasms. In severe cases, multi-organ failure will occur.

Children can also experience gastrointestinal distress upon ingesting sufficient amounts of flavoured toothpaste. Adults and children alike are also exposed to harmful, artificial sweeteners in toothpaste which are toxic to your body.

The following table shows the health concerns based on commonly used whitening toothpaste.

Nature’s Way Alternatives
Dental care is so simple in many ways. Our body is designed to heal itself, so if we are consistent with preventative methods then our body should take care of the rest. My solution is simple - bicarbonate of soda. By sprinkling a little dry powder on a dry toothbrush and brushing, you have your toothpaste problems solved. It’s safe for adults and children.

Bicarbonate of soda is a soft, dissolvable, mild abrasive substance that kills bacteria and all of the microorganisms associated with infections. It will also prevent plaque build up by neutralising and detoxifying bacterial acids and toxins.

Results:
• Clean teeth
• Fresh breath
• Kill germs and bacteria
• Nicer ‘morning’ breath
• Save money

Cautions:
• Inflamed and bleeding gums

Eric used bicarbonate of soda twice a day but his gums became inflamed and had some slight bleeding. We discovered that this was due to the fact that he brushed his teeth in an up and down motion rather than in small circles. Also he brushed his teeth with a hard toothbrush and applied a lot of pressure when brushing. After brushing less harshly and in a circular motion his gums returned to normal.

Nature’s Way Toothpaste

Ingredients:
Bicarbonate of soda

Method:
Sprinkle bicarbonate of soda onto your toothbrush and brush teeth in a small circles. Lightly brush tongue too.

For added benefits put a couple of drops of diluted distilled vinegar or apple cider vinegar on your toothbrush. Vinegar helps to kill bacteria and prevent the build-up of calculus, more commonly known as tartar. Either brushing or rinsing with vinegar reduces the risk of gingivitis.

Now it's your turn.
Over the next few weeks try using bicarbonate of soda instead of your regular toothpaste and let us know the results by posting your findings in the comment box below.  If you have any other tips or suggestions for cleaning your teeth please let us know.  

Find out more about Nature's Way here.

Being a Wife - Who is Satisfied

Eve had it all, the looks, the security and the man! She lacked nothing at all in this world – life was truly perfect for her – literally! Yet she wasn’t satisfied. She had to have more. She needed to taste the forbidden fruit. As you know, she took that bite and left us in the state we are in today.

Don’t be too harsh on Eve, we are no different, the more we have the more we want. We are never satisfied. We spend ages begging God for a husband and when we get married we spend most of the time complaining about our husband – we want more than he can give. We beg God for children but when things get tough we complain to God about the children He gave us. It’s the human condition – we are never satisfied, the more we have the more we want and it’s a never ending cycle.

Philippians 4:11-13

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Paul figured it out; he learned to be content, to be satisfied no matter what life threw at him. He had learned that through Jesus who gives him strength he could do anything.

In marriage, we can become dissatisfied. At first it’s all fun and games, romance and passion, but after a few years reality sets in. Before you know it you see each other’s faults clearly and the very things that you used to love now annoy you. That is marriage, two imperfect people trying to live together. 

Sound gloomy? Well it is if you don’t know how to be satisfied. The ability to be satisfied in all things is a choice not a gift. As wives we can either choose to be content in all things or we can choose not to be. If we are not content the chances are that we will be complaining and nagging quite often. If we are not content then we are likely to be demanding, expecting our husband to

change and expecting him to fix all the bad things in our life. It’s so easy to lose perspective. For many people, marriage ends up being a place where two people that started out believing that they were perfect for each other, become experts on each other’s faults. What used to be a place on infatuation and adoration becomes a place of judgement and condemnation.

Do you want to know the secret? It’s all in your mind. No seriously, it is. Your marriage and your contentment in your marriage are largely determined by your perspective and your attitude, which can be changed by the power of your own choice, in your mind! You can choose to look at all his faults or you can choose to find his best points and dwell on them. It’s your choice and it is entirely possible that he hasn’t changed that much but that your perspective of him is the thing that has changed. 

To be truly satisfied you need to start with relying on Jesus who is the only one who will ever truly satisfy you. Your husband cannot be the sole source of your happiness and he cannot completely satisfy you. When you expect your husband to satisfy you, I can assure you he will try his best to give you what you expect, but it is unreasonable to expect this of him and the result will be a man who continually doesn’t feel good enough for you. 

In time these feelings will wear him down and he will stop being the man he once was. He will feel that he can never satisfy you and so therefore he is not good enough for you. Girls, don’t break your man down by expecting from him what is not humanly possible. Be satisfied; choose to be satisfied with what you have. And the parts that you really struggle with... take them to Jesus.

Nehemiah 8:10

Do not sorrow, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.

Find out more about Being a Wife here or about hosting your own Girl's Night here.

TOCP - Never Cancel

“God, we are not growing, shall we close this group down?” This was the question we were asking God in the same year that we started the Friday night youth group. Earlier that year we had started a connect group in our home on Thursday evenings. This group however was not producing the same results that the Friday night group was. Connect groups were exactly that, small groups of people from church getting together during the week to connect with each other. Bible study was not the focus on these evenings but building deep and meaningful relationships was.  We enjoyed a meal together, chatted and laughed together and then closed with a time of prayer. Our hope was that when we invited people who weren’t Christians that they would feel comfortable and have fun too.  Many times Christians try to invite people who aren’t Christians to Bible study groups, which doesn’t always work out too well.  Perhaps in the past it may have worked but in England in 2007 this was not a good strategy, which is why the connect group approach was adopted. 

Eric and I had always loved going to a connect group in London and in our new church in Wales, so we volunteered to start one at our home as soon as the church asked for connect group hosts. We laboured in prayer for our neighbours, baked them cookies and did whatever kinds deeds we could to win their favour but not one of them ever accepted our invitation to come to our connect group. Getting to know the parents of the youth group children proved difficult too and they also never came to our connect group. From time to time we had a couple from our previous connect group join us on Thursdays and occasionally one of the mothers of Jordan’s friend from school came along too. Dave, however, came every single Thursday without fail! 

Dave was from our church in Wales.  He lived even further north than we did and so it made perfect sense that he should join our connect group rather than travel an hour and a half to meet up with people. Some Thursdays we would have a lovely time with five or six of us and other Thursdays it would just be Eric, Dave and I. After about six months, we began to question whether God was with us and why we were not growing. Dave continued to join us every Thursday even though it was just the three of us. 

Eric and I had made a firm commitment to each other shortly after starting the connect group, saying that no matter who turned up or who didn’t turn up, we would NEVER cancel connect group.  True to our word, we never did.  In the end it was only Eric, Dave and I every Thursday but we never cancelled.  We continued to meet with Dave, we ate together, prayed together and got to know each other really, really well. 

Soon Dave started joining us on a Friday night too and helped us with our youth group as he had many years of experience in this area. It wasn’t long before we realised what a treasure Dave was. He was the most amazing person we had ever known. There was nothing that was too much trouble for him and despite his own personal struggles at the time, he always seemed so positive.  Knowing Dave was such a joy and our friendship grew from strength to strength. 

Thursdays almost seemed like Dave night and not connect group, which is why we questioned what God was doing.  Connect groups are supposed to grow and then multiply into two connect groups and then grow and multiply again. Our group was not growing at all so we asked God if we should close it down and focus on doing things that would bear more fruit.  God’s answer seemed to be ‘no’!   Eric and I did not have peace about stopping our meetings on Thursdays and so we continued to meet and we continued to invite people in the hope that our group would grow. It never did grow. And we never cancelled. Dave, Eric and I continued to connect week after week. 

Yes, there are times when things that don’t bear fruit should be closed and yes there are seasons for everything. But if I were to write here in this book a rule or a step that you should take when planting a church then I would fail you.  You see, you can’t replace being lead by the Holy Spirit!   There is no recipe for building a church and there is no growth formula for Christian gatherings.  For our connect group, for that season of our life, we knew not to close it, there was no logical reason, in fact it didn’t seem logical at all, but we never cancelled.

Saying that we never cancel helped us to push through when we were tired and helped us to pitch up when we didn’t want to. It got us through dry seasons and it helped us stay focused. Again, it all boils down to trusting the Holy Spirit.  We say never cancel because we are prone to laziness as human beings; this is our safeguard to make sure we keep going. There are no rules; there simply cannot be rules when building a church, if God didn’t give them, then neither should we. 

This is a part of a chapter from The Tale of a Church Planter, more chapter snippets will follow in the meantime find out more about this book here. 

TOCP - In the Beginning

It was the early spring of 2006. Lorah-Kelly, my eldest daughter, was fourteen years old. She had just started attending a new secondary school and her life was very unsettled. 

Driving Lorah-Kelly and Jordan, my eleven-year-old daughter, to school each day, was really special as the Cotswolds were in full bloom and so very beautiful this time of year. Cheltenham, by comparison to London, from where we had moved, was breathtaking.  We were enjoying our new home and our new life out in the country.  Eric and I, along with our two daughters, had moved to Cheltenham to build a new life for ourselves.  Although everything seemed to be going according to plan, we did have a slight issue in that the Cheltenham schools were oversubscribed and the nearest school with a vacancy was in the next city, Gloucester. 

Lorah-Kelly had no option but to go to a Gloucester school, which didn’t seem too bad at first and it wasn’t very far to travel at all, especially after the lengthily travel time that we had become accustomed to in London. We were convinced she would settle in quickly as her pleasant nature made her easy to get along with and she had always attracted friends similar in nature to her.  My favourite quality in Lorah-Kelly was that she always seemed so happy and carefree!  She took delight in so much, complained about so little and expressed gratitude whenever she could. She truly was a blessing to all who knew her, which is why you can imagine why her depression came as a shock to us!

We had been so busy adjusting to this new life ourselves that we barely noticed Lorah-Kelly’s change in demeanour. The change was subtle and to all intents and purposes, she seemed content at home. Perhaps the fact that she was quiet by nature meant that we missed the turmoil that was going on inside of her.  Occasionally she mentioned that she was having trouble making friends at school and at the time I thought this very odd, as she had always found it easy to make friends. My advice to her was to give it a bit of time and not to lose heart. 

A little more time passed and she revealed that it wasn’t that she couldn’t make friends but the problem was that she didn’t like anyone that she had made friends with. After some investigation, we discovered that she was unable to find anyone that shared her values and morals. Simply put – she didn’t fit in!  It was only years later, when she shared her testimony in church, that we realised the depth of her struggle during this time.  However, it is not the struggle I want to focus on, it is what she did with her struggle that is so important. 

It was another beautiful summer's morning and we were stuck in a queue of traffic. Being stuck in traffic yet again with Lorah-Kelly and Jordan in the car, was actually quite pleasant!  This was one of the few opportunities we had for some really good girly chats.  I loved driving the girls to school, listening to 'their’ music and hearing their thoughts and opinions on all sorts of things. On this particular morning, during one of our usual chats, Lorah-Kelly said something that would change the rest of our lives! She had made a decision, a very profound decision, and she shared it with Jordan and I as we waited for the traffic to ebb forward.  Little did we know that crisp summer’s morning how much this decision would change EVERYTHING for our family and many others too. This is what she said,

“Mommy, I am not going to go to school anymore to find friends like me. My school is going to become my mission field and I am going to win my friends to Jesus. That is the only way I am going to have friends like me!”

Her decision was made and she declared it to us. It seemed simple enough and I was very proud of her for finding a positive angle in her time of struggle. Little did we know that on that fine summer’s morning, stuck in the traffic in our little red car, that Lorah-Kelly had moved the rudder and turned the compass of our entire family’s life in a completely different direction. Her ‘little’ decision, made from her place of struggle, would affect thousands of lives for all of eternity. 

Time passed and Lorah-Kelly, true to her word, began to see her friends through different eyes. They were no longer there to please her but she was there to reach out to them. It wasn’t long before Lorah-Kelly’s vision started to grow which meant she needed to recruit helpers! And so we had another little life changing conversation on another day in the car on the way to school. She said,

“Mommy, do you remember when you used to run a youth group in South Africa for all those children?”

“Yes” I said suspiciously

“Do you think we could do something like that again?”

“Of course” I said quite relieved.

Youth groups were the one thing I was confident in, as I had worked with children for several years back in South Africa. I had forgotten that the groups I had worked with had been with children at the same age as my children, when they were much younger. Now my children were teenagers. This was a completely new ball game to me, but that penny would sink in a little later on, when it was too late to back out!

This is a part of a chapter from The Tale of a Church Planter, more chapter snippets will follow in the meantime find out more about this book here. 

Something New and Something Old

Amy in her 2011 Christmas Gift from her big sister Lorah

Eric and I at the 2011 Christmas Splendour at D7 Church

Daniel, Jordan, Lorah, Eric, myself and Amy at the Christmas Splendour

Lorah, myself and Jordan in London, 2002

Lorah and I in Gloucester Park, 2010

Daniel feeding the ducks, Bourton-on-the-Water, 2009